the immediate truth

Things That I Currently Know to Be True About Myself:

I talk a lot and very loudly; loyalty and longevity are not my strong suits; I have a very slight peach fuzz mustache; anger and rage can lie just beneath the surface of a calm exterior; this last year has left me hollow; I one time thought that Detroit was in Colorado; I have never exactly learned how to tie my shoes; I hold others (and myself) (especially myself) to impossibly high standards, making me an uncomfortably judgmental person; I am a stress-eater.

But also, I am an excellent conversationalist; ideas are never lacking in my world and I am always willing to start something new; I stopped wearing makeup seven years ago as an exercise to try to reconcile myself with who God created me to be; laughter (and dancing!) is something that I often gift to family and friends; I am searching to find the new person that I am in the wake of grief; to be fair: Detroit? Denever? Whatevs. ; I can fold a fitted sheet beautifully; I am an excellent judge of character; I can bake a mean loaf of challah bread.

It’s strange how you can be one person yet present so many different sides of yourself. How are you supposed to let anyone really get to know you if you are still just learning who you are yourself? I moved from state to state, town to town, my whole life and thought I would be content to live in one place and put down roots. February will bring the fourth anniversary of our move to Idaho and that is the longest that I’ve lived anywhere since I was nine years old. We have gotten eerily well established in this town. I can’t go anywhere without running into someone that we know. I thought that would make me happy, and usually it does, but sometimes it makes me feel claustrophobic. I find myself craving the anonymity that happens when you are new somewhere or live in a big city. When you can walk down the street, surrounded by people, and have no one know who you are.

I think this is a sign that I need to learn how to be in one place.


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